Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, October 7, 2017 - by Roy Exum

One of my favorite stories comes from the town square in Athens, Tn. It seems a man was sitting on a park bench one morning, reading the Daily Athenian. At the other end of the bench was a gorgeous collie dog, its leash tied to the arm of the bench while its owner went on a short errand.

Another man was walking into the courthouse and remarked how regal the colie appeared as it sat quietly. “Excuse me, sir … does your dog bite?”

The newspaper reader simply shook his head. But when the admirer reach to pet the collie’s head, the animal reacted in rage. Had it not been for the sturdy leash he would have been bitten for certain. “I thought you told me your dog doesn’t bite!”

The man with the newspaper promptly replied, “That ain’t my dog …”

Without further ado, let’s go to “The Saturday Funnies.” Understand these are not my words but some of the humor that arrives in my email every week:

* * *

BACK IN THE DAY WHEN KIDS WERE ALL “HOME-SCHOOLED”

Years ago when all the children in my neighborhood were growing up, it seemed like every mother and father had the same playbook. See if you remember any of these lessons:

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My father taught me LOGIC.

"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC

"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My father taught me IRONY.

"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9 My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.

"Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.

"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.

"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.

"If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!"

13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. 

"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.

"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.

"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.

"You are going to get it from your father when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.

"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My father taught me HUMOR.

“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.

"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.

"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.

"When you get to be my age, you'll understand.”

25. My father taught me about JUSTICE .

"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

This should only be sent to the over 60 crowd because the younger ones would not believe we truly were told these "EXACT" words by our parents…

* * *

FOUR WORMS IN THE SUNDAY SERMON

 A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol . . . Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke . . . Dead!

Third worm in chocolate syrup . . . Dead!

Fourth worm in good clean soil . . . Alive!

The Minister asked the congregation, "So, my friends? What did you learn from this demonstration?"

Maxine, sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and burst, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

That pretty much ended the service!

royexum@aol.com



Supporting The Priorities Of The U.S. Department Of Justice

Since being sworn in as United States Attorney for the Eastern District of Tennessee on November 21, 2017, I have been working diligently to support the Department of Justice priorities outlined by United States Attorney General Jeff Sessions as well as the mission of the U.S. Attorney’s Office for the Eastern District of Tennessee.  Currently, the top five DOJ priorities ... (click for more)

Thank You To The Lookout Mountain Public Works

A big shout out to the great employees of the public works department. You have done an excellent job of keeping our roads clear (while sacrificing time with your own families)! You and our police department continue to keep us safe and sound. Thank you, thank you, from the whole Lookout Mountain community. Thomas Dickinson (click for more)

BlueCross Sells Huge Tract Along River For $8.1 Million

BlueCross BlueShield has sold a huge tract along the riverfront in Lupton City for $8.1 million. The purchaser is listed as Riverton LLC., 651 E. 4th St., Suite 403, Chattanooga. BlueCross had bought the 216-acre site in 2001 as a possible site for its corporate headquarters. However, it wound up building a $299 million campus on Cameron Hill instead. BlueCross started ... (click for more)

1 Person Injured In Duplex Fire In East Lake Wednesday Night

One person was injured when fire broke out in a duplex Wednesday night in East Lake. The Chattanooga Fire Department received the alarm at  11:53  p.m. on  Wednesday  and responded to the 4800 block of General Thomas Boulevard with several fire companies.   When the first firefighters arrived on the scene, Captain Chris Cordes with Engine 9 said ... (click for more)

UTC Women At Wofford Thursday

The University of Tennessee at Chattanooga will look to put another mark in the win column with a Thursday evening tilt at Wofford. Chattanooga and Wofford began competition in 1996 when the Terriers joined the Southern Conference. After winning the first four, including one in overtime, the Mocs lost in the SoCon Tournament to Wofford. After sweeping the Terriers in the 1998-99 ... (click for more)

UTC's Boykin Named Wrestler Of The Week

University of Tennessee at Chattanooga senior Scottie Boykin is the Southern Conference Wrestler of the Week for all competition from Jan. 10-16, the league office announced Wednesday. This is the league-high third Moc to win the honor this season.  It is the second career award for Boykin.  Boykin, a native of Murfreesboro, Tennessee, went 4-0 in the Virginia ... (click for more)